


A Comedy Of Errors

by Allmyshitisghostwritten, LazyCakes



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: A little angst, Angst?, Barry and Kravitz are work friends, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Other, Rating May Change, everyone here is just Pure of Heart Dumb of Ass, no actual cheating happens, this is all one Big Mistake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24217948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allmyshitisghostwritten/pseuds/Allmyshitisghostwritten, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LazyCakes/pseuds/LazyCakes
Summary: When Kravitz sees his coworker Barry kissing a beautiful elf who brought him lunch, he's happy for his coworker.When the same elf then immediately flirts heavily with Kravitz in the parking lot, he's very concerned.This whole thing is only readable because my best friend LazyCakes is amazing. Basically Krav doesn't know there are Taaco Twins and just thinks Barry's spouse is super flirtatious.edit now to include Blupjeans epilogue
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 57
Kudos: 235





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow my previous chapter summary got deleted? Ah well. Taakitz meets in a parking lot. Kravitz thinks Taako is dating Barry. Hijinks ensues.

Kravitz groaned as he stood from his desk, straightening his spine. So much for taking it easy this week, but his report was done, and early, and the Raven Queen would be pleased, and that was enough. How long had he been sitting at his desk? It took plenty of time for an artificial body to ache.

If he closed his eyes, the words of languages he didn’t speak and rules to rituals he’d never heard of stared back, burned into his retinas, all the new spells and studies to be filed away. At least it had been productive, these last few weeks at the office. Castle. Castle-office-research lab. While Kravitz did most of his actual work in the Astral plane, this sprawling campus and imposing black castle was where living people expanded the science and practice of plane-related work. As their Astral ambassador, he spent more time here than he’d care to admit. 

As he was gathering up the last of his papers and coat, an unfamiliar voice crossed the chasm of the research library. Kravitz looked up to see someone unfamiliar in the doorway. The figure, even at such a distance, was well-matched to the refined, simping, almost fake voice. A tall, lithe figure hiding blonde hair beneath a knit multicolor hat and a blood-red down coat with what suspiciously resembled unfurling flames climbing up the sides strode into the library. They held a paper bag up and called out again to Barry, “Hey! Time for lunch, Bluejeans.” 

He looked up from an ancient tome, huge and bound in suspiciously pale leather, but even from where Kravitz stood, he could see the smile that lit up his face. He stood and closed the space between them easily, wrapping his arms around the figure and kissing them firmly, embracing despite the wet shine of their coat. 

While Kravitz had never heard about a significant other, he wasn’t exactly surprised. Barry was probably his closest coworker, one of the few who loved the research as much as the hunt, but as such, work was all they ever really talked about. Despite his plain appearance Barry was whip-smart, ceaselessly diligent, kind, and at times verged upon inappropriately hilarious, sarcasm shot under his breath or quips almost too fast to catch, so the devoted, absent glow in his eyes as they cast upon the stranger suited him well. As he turned away from his partner, probably an elf, still holding each other and swaying in their disgustingly amorous embrace, Kravitz wiped a hand over his face to hide his small, unwilling smile.

It was then that he actually comprehended what Barry’s presumed-partner had said, and realized that he was hungry, too. Grabbing his jacket and standing to dress, he looked up one more time to see that Barry and the stranger had ducked quietly out of the room. 

Kravitz made to follow suit, pausing at Barry’s claimed space. He took an appreciative inhale of what must have been an enviously tasty, warm lunch, then swept down the halls and into the elevator, proceeding into the parking lot, relatively empty for the early afternoon hour. Most people didn’t start necromancing until after dark; it just wasn’t right ritually or aesthetically.

A light powdering of snow was coming down onto the already slushy white landscape. As he made his way further from the building, he noticed a pair of gaudy, bejeweled snow boots sticking out of the driver’s side window of one of the parked cars. Seated within, rather hedonistically, was the same figure he’d seen with Barry. 

Closer, the hair was much longer than he’d thought, swept in a braid artfully tousled over one shoulder. The elf, and he was certain it was an elf, now, pierced pointed ears and a refined, noble face, sat with their thighs spread and their rear nestled precariously on the edge of the seat, convoluted in the way that only an elf could make appear so comfortable. As he was considering this character, he looked up from the phone in his hand, and froze under Kravitz’ eyes. His stark silhouette and stern figure must have startled the elf, presumably male, because he gave a little jump and sat up straighter. 

_‘Well you’ve done it now, better say something before you scare him worse.’_ Kravitz stared a little longer, fully aware that it was too much, but unaware of how to make it better. He flashed his best friendly smile as he stepped a little closer. 

“Hi! Hello, I’m, uh, I work with Barry. You brought him lunch?” he asked. The elf, poised even more precariously, raised an eyebrow and nodded, tucking his legs back into the car before regarding Kravitz with a slightly more relaxed gaze. His eyes were no less intense, though, glimmery and crystalline. It seemed that the knit hat and hideous coat from before had been tucked into the trunk or otherwise removed, and the sweater dress that resided beneath suited Kravitz’ eyes far better.

“It smelled wonderful. Weren’t you going to join him?”

The stranger’s ears perked at Kravitz’s voice, which he wouldn’t have noticed at all were it not for the swinging of the heavy earrings, and he graced Kravitz with a confident smile. 

“Natch, my guy. Everything I make is wonderful. But, uh, to answer your question, Taako’s good out here.” 

Kravitz stared dumbly. Was he supposed to respond to that? The teeth that had smiled for him were pointed enough to distract, anyway. 

‘I’m just playing deliveryman for today, got a lotta shopping to do.”

Kravitz nodded, the understanding coming a moment later, and to his surprise, the elf (Taako, he’d said?) sat up properly and opened the door, sitting on the edge of the seat and giving his full attention to Kravitz. He leaned his elbow against the now-obsolete windowsill and squished his cheek lightly against the back of a dainty wrist, smiling again, fast and dangerous. Was Kravitz’ heart supposed to jump with it?

“Though, I could be convinced to stick around for a bit if you’re down to do some convincing. I gotta say, Reaper Man, I am loving the aesthetic.” He flicked his braid over his shoulder, and the motion pushed something fragrant out into the cold air, something surprisingly dark, not gaudy in the least. “The whole ‘tall, dark, dramatic’ vibe. Very On Brand with the Death’s Castle thing.” 

Kravitz chuckled and thanked him, adjusting his weight to his other leg, his heavy, dark coat swaying at his calves. He bit back a smile as the elf’s eyes dragged down his form before returning to his face, something delightfully warm and flattering settling into Kravitz’ stomach as he did. Something about the extremely _different_ (read: atrociously gaudy) taste of this elf, who was still able to appreciate Kravitz’ preferences, was dangerously exhilarating. 

“I’d like to think I fix up better than this old castle. It’s a lot of work to look this good.” 

Taako laughed, a high and shallow thing in his chest, before kicking his feet out of the car to better show off his glittering booties. 

“Trust me, I know. I jeweled these bad boys myself. The process left me with scars. Physical _and_ emotional.” He extended his other hand, and under long, slender fingers weighed heavily with rings (though, notably, none in the position of a promise), a single bandage was wrapped delicately around the pad of his thumb. Kravitz laughed for likely too long, before turning slightly at the hip.

“I was just going, but it was nice to meet you.” To his surprise, Taako got up and closed the car door. 

“I’ll walk you to your car. Where’re you headed?” he asked as he snuggled up to his side, likely already seeking protection from the cold. Kravitz blinked widely, caught off guard. Taako was friendly, pretty, _and_ forward. Definitely too forward for being, apparently, wholly devoted to Barry.

Sure, Taako was thus far breathtakingly attractive, as quick on his toes as Barry, and seemingly interested, but Kravitz had been right there in the library, had seen Barry’s eyes when they looked into his partner’s. Taako and Barry were very much in love and Kravitz absolutely refused to put that at risk just because Taako was his type and kind of a flirt. Steeling himself from the warmth in his stomach intent on growing, he turned and began once more to his destination, Taako now tucked neatly to his side. He was the perfect height in flat shoes for Kravitz to wrap an arm around his shoulders, and Kravitz stuck his hand resolutely into his pocket to avoid doing just that. 

“I don’t actually, um, drive. I’m the liaison between here and the astral plane? So I just…go there myself.” he tugged his hat back into position to hide his flush, clearing his throat. “I only come out here because interdimensional travel messes with the electronic components of the office.” Okay, truth be told, it wasn’t _so_ bad, but resetting all the digital clocks nearby had gotten tiresome, and he had received more than one complaint about unsaved progress on knocked-out computers. 

“So I was on the nose with the ‘reaper man’ comment, huh?” Again, that damn smile, this time with his tongue pressed behind his teeth, an adorable gap in the front allowing it to peek out between them. Kravitz jerked his eyes away before it really hit him, how good it felt to have someone new be so casually comfortable with the topic of interplanar travel. Kravitz supposed that, if Taako was familiar with Barry’s line of work, Kravitz was hardly the most novel or scary thing he’d seen. Taako finally gave him a questioning look as they reached the edge of the parking lot, though he seemed devoid of intent to leave. 

“So I don’t set off the car alarms.” he explained.

Taako’s eyes glittered with delight, and Kravitz wasn’t sure if it was to imply an interest in the potential chaos, or the lengths to which Kravitz went to avoid it. 

“Why don’t you ward a room in the building? It’d make for a shorter trip, and you wouldn’t have to deal with this cold.” 

“We do. Have a warded room, that is, but it’s in the basement where the walls are thicker and-”

“-And it’s _inside_.” Taako interrupted him. “Why get wet shoes when you could, y’know, not?” Kravitz pointed a look to Taako’s own boots, damp up to the FANTASY UGG logos, while adjusting his folders to be held under one arm, leaving the other free. He used it to gesture vaguely upwards as they came to a stop at the edge of what had been plowed. 

“I’ve been working for longer than I meant to, I figured I should see the sun for a few moments before getting some rest.” 

Taako groaned dramatically and rolled his eyes. “So you’re just like Barry, always buried in your haunted-ass castle and all its haunted-ass work.” he said. Then, with a gentle elbow to Kravitz’ side, “At least _he_ has someone to get him out of the office once in a while. How ‘bout you? Anyone to be mad at you for taking so long to get home?” Kravitz hid his shock in a chuckle, turning fully towards Taako, smiling bashfully down at his lightly flushed form against the bleak wind.

“No, no one like that for me at the moment.” he waited another very long moment just to look at Taako, who seemed happy to stare back. When he could bring himself to stop counting freckles, Kravitz took a purposeful step away. 

“It was very nice to meet you, but I really should go.” Taako stayed where he was and looked a little less vibrant than before, his smile a little smaller. 

“Totally, totally. I guess I’ll see you around?” he asked, pulling the sleeves of his sweater over his hands to warm them. Kravitz smiled thinly as he stepped further into the lawn between the parking lot and road.

“I'll see you around, Taako.” There was certainly more he wanted to say, but anything more would be too large of a risk, so he turned away from the absolutely gorgeous figure he was leaving to tremble in the cold and extended his arm from his side, summoning his scythe into the outstretched hand. He figured he shouldn’t go _too_ far into his skeletal form while he had an audience. He didn’t want to scare the first person outside of his work who hadn’t been immediately put off by him.

In fact, if the soft exclamation of " _Love_ this." behind him was anything to go by, he was actually quite enjoying the show Kravitz offered. 

He swung downwards, ripping a clean portal into the air in front of him with the sound of tearing silk. As the flow of the astral plane washed over him, his skin became less present, showing the skeleton underneath, his fingers almost completely transparent at their tips. A hooded cloak flitted in the wind, blowing in and out of existence, blending in with the sways of his long coat.

“Hey, thug!” He turned slightly to see Taako smiling widely and calling out to him. “I didn’t get your name!”

Kravitz smiled and cupped his hand to his mouth, making sure his voice carried beyond the atmosphere of the astral plane whirling around him.

“Kravitz!”

He gave a final wave and stepped into the rift, but even on the other side of it, he was still thinking of his conversation with Barry’s boyfriend, and how big he smiled at hearing Kravitz’s name. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a Comment for my co-author LazyCakes? and also go read their shit you will not be disappointed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz had to face Barry at some point, he supposed. This is the chapter where that happens! And also Taako shows up.

So, here’s the thing. 

Kravitz was, though he was slow to admit it, a workaholic. Not that working was his only interest—he had plenty of those. Music, and fashion, and...okay, well, he had at least two interests that weren’t work. But in his time away from his desk, they hadn’t occupied him as well as he’d hoped. It was far easier to close his eyes and hear Taako’s voice in his music, too easy to look through clothing catalogues and see pieces that he thought Taako would like. The interaction played on repeat in his head like a shitty, skipping record, but Kravitz couldn’t bring himself to pull the needle off the wax.

And, now, he was back at work, blessedly. 

To help Barry, unblessedly. He twisted his dreads up on top of his head as he strode to the door of Barry’s research lab, wishing he’d had more to think about in his days away. Barry had paged him asking for help, though he was rather vague, and Kravitz had no idea how to return from the fact that he’d almost certainly flirted with his coworker’s boyfriend, and had definitely been flirted with back.

He managed to procrastinate touching the door handle, instead unbuttoning his cuffs, carefully rolling his sleeves to his elbows, pulling the new folds crisp. Barry was always a ‘hands-on’ kind of guy, and Kravitz had yet to leave from assisting him without new stains or a need for new clothes entirely. 

Finally, he turned the handle and swung the door open. 

The room behind was dim, lit eerily by jars of glowing specimens, slight fires under bubbling beakers, and amidst the chaos of overflowing filing cabinets, bookshelves whose books were scattered on the floor, and long counters laden with god-knows-what, a single perfectly normal desk lamp perched atop a perfectly normal desk. The rest of the room was so cluttered and haphazard, it took him a moment to actually find Barry where he knelt over a clear glass pod, only looking up when Kravitz rapped his knuckles on the doorframe. He stuffed something into his pocket quickly.

“Hey! Thanks for coming so quick, I can’t wait to get this thing set up.” 

“Thing...is an accurate enough term. What is it?” Kravitz picked his way through the room as Barry stood, wiping his hands in his denim-coated rear and looking away sheepishly. 

“Well, it’s an incubation chamber. It’s not so much what it is as what it could do.”

Kravitz nodded, looking it over again. It was a slightly more primitive form of that which had given his own skeleton flesh, and Kravitz made the executive decision that he didn’t really want to know why Barry needed it. 

“What do you need me to do?” He questioned instead. Barry relaxed visibly. 

“I knew you were perfect for this. I just need help lifting it to set up properly…if you think you can handle that?” 

Kravitz laughed and flexed just slightly in spite of himself, and Barry burst out laughing, deep in his stomach and so comforting.

“You just tell me where and how, and I can make it happen.” 

Moving to one side of the chamber, Barry squatted and took hold of it, and Kravitz did the same at the top.

“I’ll lift the base into position, if you can push it upright.”

Kravitz took in a breath, and at the nod from Barry, lifted gently, following his lead with full concentration. It really wasn’t that heavy, but still, better a two person job than a shattered incubation chamber. As it fitted gently into the base, Barry glanced away from his careful work to catch Kravitz’s eyes, then look away again. It was a strangely demure thing, and Kravitz bit his cheek, expecting the worst. 

“So, uh, Taako told me you two met? The... last time you were here?” 

Kravitz jerked his hands away in mute horror, hiding it in the way Barry was rotating the pod slightly to fit snug into its metal stand, still not looking at him. 

“I…yes, I did meet him.” Kravitz’ stomach churned. Was his voice too shaky?. Barry finally turned to him, patting the pod with mock casual satisfaction. 

“Yeah, he told me about it.” Barry repeated, shuffling and looking a little aimless while Kravitz took his place studying the pod with incredible scrutiny. “What, uh, what did you think of him?” he asked, coughing slightly. What did he think of Taako? Did it even matter what he thought  _ about _ him, if he was the only thing on Kravitz’ mind? And why would Barry ask that? Taako must have, for some reason, told him about their encounter, and now Barry was trying to determine if Kravitz was a homewrecker or just an idiot.

He wiped his hands on his pants, though they weren’t really dirty, as he tried to look at anything other than Barry.

“He was…” Kravitz bit his lip and squinted off into the distance. How was he to describe the  _ experience _ that was Taako without seeming like he was interested? His wandering gaze finally fell upon the only frame on Barry’s desk. Even in the dim light, it was clear; Barry, a few years younger, in a tuxedo, and Taako, hair much shorter, smile much softer when it gazed upon Barry, looking stunning in a shimmering ivory gown and veil. 

He wasn’t Barry’s  _ boyfriend _ .

He was his husband. 

He turned his slightly panicked gaze back to Barry, who was patiently waiting for his assessment of his  _ husband. Fuck.  _

“He was…colorful. Certainly, an interesting experience.” Kravitz managed, carefully keeping his face from twitching. To his shock, Barry chortled loudly, shaking his head and ending with a smile. 

“Yeah, That does sound like Taako.” He raised his hand to adjust his glasses, and Kravitz saw the glint of his wedding band. How had he missed  _ that?  _ “He likes a strong first impression, that’s for sure. He’s always been like that, but sometimes... it isn’t so well received.” He gave a fond smile. “I’m glad he didn’t give you a bad first impression.” Even Kravitz’ ears burned from the heat on his skin. Was that normal? Was he dying? He was probably dying.

“Oh? I—I think candid honesty is rather undervalued, then. It’s rare, I guess, such a…bold...personality, but I thought he was…friendly enough.” Having effectively jumped the hoops of being honest and covering his ass simultaneously, Kravitz sighed. It was a bit of a blow to be told that he wasn’t flirted with because Taako found him attractive, rather that Taako was just naturally inviting, but it was nothing compared to the relief that neither he nor Taako were in the doghouse for their interaction. Now that Barry’s happy marriage was stable and unthreatened, Kravitz was interested to know more about Taako. In a completely platonic manner.

“Yeah, that’s one way to perceive him. People usually either think he’s fun... or an insufferable asshole.” Barry chuckled into the Petri dish he’d lifted as he spoke. “Though they usually find out he’s both pretty quickly.” he finished fondly. 

There.

That was the smile, soft, glowing, of real love that Barry had had on his face when his husband had brought him lunch, of holding him in their wedding photo. Kravitz felt something uncomfortably mushy in his stomach at seeing a man so full of love. It made him long for it himself. He hardly cared if Envy was too strong a word.

With someone else, of course. Certainly, he could get his mind off of Taako, now that he understood their conversation a little better. However, as Kravitz made to ask Barry how he and Taako had met, expecting a rather cute story, he turned to see Barry hefting a cloth-covered item, grunting slightly as he placed it on the table nearest the incubation chamber. He tugged the cloth away with a grin and a flourish, and Kravitz blinked helplessly at what was unmistakably an urn large enough to hold a dragon’s ashes. 

“Ah. Yes. The actual science part. I do believe that’s my cue.” Kravitz managed, already backing up, scattering a pile of something suspiciously akin to orc bones under his heel. 

“Oh, no, no, please stick around for, just, I don’t know...thirty-five seconds more? I’ll, I can put the cloth back over Karlisle here…”

Oh Jesus god, he knew the thing’s  _ name? _

“Oh, no, I’m — I most definitely am late for something I’m sure I’ve forgotten about.” Kravitz managed to twist some charm into it with a flash of a smile that he knew was brilliant thanks to the many free drinks it attracted, and reached behind himself, finding the door handle and letting himself out, even as he heard Barry calling from within. He quickened his pace. 

Attempting to appear at least slightly casual, Kravitz began to let his hair down as he allowed himself nothing short of a jog, footsteps loud in the cold, expansive castle halls. He tugged at the stubborn tie of his hair a final time as he made to round the corner to the stairwell, and it was a good thing his arms were raised; no sooner had he realized that the echoing footsteps were not his own than another figure rushed around the corner and directly into him, nearly knocking him to the floor in his surprise. As he scrambled for footing, a slim pair of arms shot out of a frankly ridiculously oversized fur coat, grabbing Kravitz’s collar to keep him from eating shit, only to overcompensate and slip themselves. 

Luckily, once he had his footing, Kravitz easily wrapped one arm around their waist, grabbing their forearm in the other hand as it extended blindly forward, close to hitting him in the face. The coat had been even bigger than he’d first thought, and heavy, too, swinging far enough back that his arm missed it completely, instead closing around a trim waist. 

Thick, fair, delicately-curled hair slipping from a messy bun filled Kravitz’s eyesight for a single moment before settling back around the face of a familiar, and shocked, elf. 

Taako was frozen with wide eyes and a thin pout, flushed from his ears to his neck. It appeared he hadn’t had as much time to prepare for the cold, today; his coat was lined with some kind of satin and it slunk from his skin at the first sign of trouble, freeing his throat as it abandoned his shoulders, pulling with it the wide neckline of a fluttery blouse, definitely silk, definitely in a sinful shade of lilac that matched Kravitz’ own tie a little too well. 

He swallowed, mouth suddenly extremely dry, and the action jolted him back to life, delicately tipping Taako forward enough to get his legs back under him

“Shit! I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Taako’s voice was deeply concerned, and his breathing was ragged and weary. Had he run all the way down here? Taako’s hands, which had been pulling away from Kravitz’s chest, instead trailed lightly over his waistcoat and then down his bare forearms, unintentionally teasing, unintentionally alive with warmth. Where Taako touched him, heat bloomed into his body. 

Not quite electric, but close enough to be dangerous. 

“I’m fine...are you? You sound distressed.” Taako nodded as he made to pull his arms away, but jumped when his hands met the end of Kravitz’ wrists. Kravitz bit the inside of his cheek and nearly jumped out of his skin when Taako clasped one of his hands in both of his own and raised his eyebrows.

“Hoo, boy, that is a clammy one, huh? You’re as cold as bones!” He rubbed noticeably bare fingers over Kravitz’ own. No ring to match Barry’s and no tan line or indent to show that one had recently been there. “You need to get your blood pumping, dude, your circulation is downright leisurely.” Kravitz bit his cheek harder, until he tasted blood, and felt his skin burn. He was slow to arouse, or at the least he liked to think so, but Taako’s hands were so _small_ and _warm_ and Kravitz didn’t have such intimate contact with such gorgeous people often _._ He pulled away as politely as possible, ignoring the heat that kept rising on his skin and in his stomach even after they completely parted. He stared directly into Taako’s eyes as to avoid his hair, already tousled, his mouth, unfairly plush, and his body, shirt still pitifully out of place.

“What are you doing here? Bringing Barry something to eat, again?” Kravitz asked. He could be friendly with his coworker’s husband. He was already kind-of-friends with Barry, and he clearly liked that Kravitz and Taako got along. This was a totally normal way to make friends. Friends at work, they introduce you to friends outside of work. Taako’s expression soured, pulling his shirt back into place first, sliding ruffles across a delicate shoulder with just the lightest hint of freckles, not that Kravitz noticed, before returning his coat to his shoulders and retreating his body almost entirely from Kravitz’ eyes. 

“No, have you seen him? He called for me in the middle of cooking, told me to get here as quickly as I could without causing a major event. This better be good, I ran over in my damn apron.”

Taako teasingly pulled his plush coat apart again to reveal the canvas apron, embroidered with the words “Whip Me” in fancy script, a tiny embroidered whisk on the pocket, and wiggled his eyebrows at Kravitz while he bit his own tongue trying not to laugh. Kravitz had humor enough to laugh at the admittedly good apron, though the short jab and hooded eyes didn’t escape his attention. That was just  _ Taako,  _ and he could roll with that. It also explained the bare hands. Cooking with jewelry on couldn’t be very practical, especially with something as precious as a wedding band.   
“I just came from his lab, not even thirty seconds ago. Nothing seemed to be particularly urgent, though he was rather excited for what I just helped him set up. Also...you, um, have a little something? Right here.” Kravitz tapped his cheek and Taako swiped one hand over the wrong cheek, then the right one, coming back with the smear of icing. He laughed when he saw what he’d cleaned off, and shrugged as he wiped his hand on the edge of his apron.

“Candlenights cookies.” He explained. Kravitz nodded, already opening his mouth to respond, but Taako crowded up closer to him, and Kravitz’ voice died in his throat. This close, he could smell spices, cinnamon and cloves and sugar and molasses from the cookies on Taako’s skin, in his hair. He winced; he probably smelled like the formaldehyde from Barry’s lab. Taako pressed even closer, like he was trying to crowd Kravitz out of the way, and rubbed a hand down his bicep to his bare forearm again, holding his wrist and drawing his gaze back to his face.

“ _ Hate _ to be the one rushing off this time, but if Barry actually needs me, I should probably be there sooner rather than later. But we’ll definitely hook up later, yeah?” Taako’s lip curled deviously to one side of his smile, unfairly clever eyes staring right through Kravitz’, who tried his best not to physically evaporate at his chosen vernacular. 

“I-- I will definitely be around. I’ll see you later?” Kravitz congratulated himself on the response he managed through Taako’s deliberate squeeze of his arm. Taako nodded resolutely and let Kravitz  step back, only to brush closely past him as he made his way deeper into the castle. As he reached the far corner of the hall, however, finally far enough away for Kravitz to realize that he was wearing suede, high-heeled boots that kissed his thighs, he called back,

“Buh-bye, Kravitz.” O _ h.  _

That was not only the first time Taako had ever called him by his name, but the way he said it was  _ not _ how you casually wished someone you’d met twice farewell. There was intention laced into each syllable, just barely too breathy, and a hunger Kravitz wasn’t sure he wanted to read. He offered his own weak “Goodbye, Taako.” before turning back to look up the stairs. 

Kravitz was seriously doubting his initial intention and subsequent ability to be “friends” with Taako.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. Please leave a comment for my lovely co-author LazyCakes and check out their stuff, perhaps leave comments there as well? Just a suggestion. Seriously this whole thing would be nowhere if it weren't for them as I am Actually Jared, 19.
> 
> edit now with ART from abracafkyou on tumblr! They also write stuff! https://abracafkyou.tumblr.com/post/618479089325572096/please-go-read-this-taakitz-fic-by


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of confusion and hurt feelings. Time to burn this budding romance to the motherfucking ground.

Kravitz huffed, staring at the full shelf before him. Though laden with a frankly frivolous number of books, the castle had no official librarian. Kravitz had heard rumors they were looking for one, and considering that this was the third section of _Rituals_ and he still hadn’t found the book he was looking for, he was really beginning to hope they were true. As an Astral Recordkeeper, his organization techniques were all but perfect. The same could not be said of his colleagues. Slowly lowering from the stories-high bookshelf he’d been searching, he pulled out his stone of farspeech, staticking slightly as it connected with Barry. 

“A-yeah? Need something, bud?” Kravitz could hear the clatters and burbles of Barry working in the background, bracing his knees just slightly as his feet touched ground again. He was thankful the stones only shared audio, because he certainly smiled too deeply upon hearing this new nickname. Deciding that this was another chance to deepen his bond with his co-worker, Kravitz tried to sound similarly pleasant. 

“Uh, yes. I can’t find _Forbidden Rites_ anywhere in the library. You know, the Latin one? Any chance you have it out? I believe it was the main reference point for one of my recent bounties’ ritual experiments, and I’d like to compare their work to the original.” Barry gave a hum on the other end, just to show he’d heard, and the stone scraped across the desk as it was picked up. 

“No, it’s not with me. Have you checked the Forbidden section?” Kravitz bit back a scowl.

“Yes, I checked there first, then Rites and Passages, and I just got finished with the Rituals.” Barry hummed again.

“Did you check Classics?” he asked, and Kravitz groaned. 

“Only you would think of it as a Classic. And now that I know _you’ve_ said it, I’m almost positive that that’s exactly where it is.” they shared a laugh over the stone, but when Barry piped up again, he was sheepish, but still indulgent.

“This bounty, did they have anything...good?” 

“No, Barry. There is nothing good about illegal necromantic rituals.” 

“I know that! I just meant to ask if they--I mean, of course it’s bad, I just...did they make anything, y‘know... _good?_ ” Kravitz closed his eyes, rubbing his temple. For all Barry’s bumbling, well-intentioned nerd charm, he was still just as potentially criminal as the people they hunted. 

“They were...go-getters, for sure. Had some interesting takes. I can make you a copy when the report is done, but that might be a while.” 

It was easy to treat it as just a joke, to delight Barry like the work ahead of him was nothing and the work behind wasn’t so painful. When Kravitz had arrived no one had been hurt, but he wasn’t often so lucky. He rounded the shelf into _Classics_ , and sure enough, at Barry-Shoulder-Height, the book he’d spent at least an hour scouring the library for was seated firmly between much smaller, much more classical, tomes. Kravitz shook his head and wormed the book out from its adopted siblings. 

“Oh, would you look at that. Someone’s been studying his illegal ceremonies, hm?” 

“Ah, good, you found it! So, uh, so you’ll be in the library for awhile, then?” Barry asked.

“Awhile is a bit of an understatement, but, yeah. Did you need help with anything?” 

“No, no.” Was Barry’s voice higher? It was certainly faster. “You take your time. I just thought about stopping by myself. I’ll come say hi if you’re sticking around.” 

“No, no, don’t trouble yourself.” Kravitz insisted as he dropped the book onto a cozy little corner table, sunlight from the high-domed ceiling perfect across its cover. Using his hip to shove the chair into place, he added, “We’re all busy enough. Go home and rest, if you’re going to go anywhere.”

“Nah, I’ll just stick around here. Call if you need anything!”

Barry disconnected before Kravitz had the chance to say goodbye, but it was fine; he’d already distracted himself by easing into a wonderfully plush chair. He sat back and closed his eyes, just for a moment, knowing that as soon as he turned his eyes upon his research, it’d be several hours before they saw anything else. 

Just as the library had no official keeper, there were also no official rules, though there were two generally agreed upon by all with access to it; don’t dog-ear the pages, and don’t play anything others can hear. Most researchers would take their studies to their own offices, or were content to work in silence. Not Kravitz. He preferred not to take texts to the astral plane; things had a penchance for disappearing into the ether when they weren’t carefully filed away, so his solution was, like his situation, unorthodox. He’d found, some time ago, a list of spells labeled purely for wasting spell slots, and among them had been the ability to create a radius outside of which all noise was muted, approximately two meters across. Good for keeping sound to himself, bad if something outside of his bubble needed attention. He took a quick, halfway guilty glance around to make sure no one could see him casting around himself and his table, testing it by humming to call forth a soft orchestral piece. Finally ready, the creak of the book’s binding and shuffling pages became the only other sounds in his sanctuary. 

He didn’t feel like he’d been working long at all when he was startled by the sound of the chair across from him being dragged across the floor, his eyes falling upon Taako, an opulent silk robe from throat to floor and a matching wizard hat from forehead to well above his own height, holding a book thicker around than he was, dropping it onto the table with a disruptive thud. Taako met his eyes with his own and raised a single brow, cruel smile already so teasing.

“Oh, now I’ve got your attention? I tried calling you for a while there.” He sat down, looking away and opening his book. 

Kravitz’ heart immediately jumped into his throat. It’d been at least a week since his last collision with Taako, not that he’d counted the days or anything, and he was only just settling back into the opinion that there was truly nothing wrong with being attracted to a married man, so long as he did not act upon it. 

“I—uh—what?” Kravitz began, though Taako was already pouting, ears drooping dramatically. “I’m sorry, Taako, it’s just a spell that—“

But Taako was laughing just as quickly, ears perked back up properly, slapping the oversized brim of his hat.

“Oh, now, I wasn’t serious! C’mon, I’d recognize the dome of a spell like this anywhere! Though…” Taako bit his lip as he eyed the edges of the spell from within. “I’ve only ever seen it used for…riskier things.” He winked brazenly, and Kravitz managed to pretend he was merely eyeing the book Taako had brought with him.

“What are you up to, here and with a book like that? _Assets of Interplanar Travel_...that’s not appropriate for much other than building impossible grocery lists. You’d need a transmutation wizard more powerful than…” 

Kravitz trailed off as his realization (horror?) dawned, crashing down around Taako’s coy smile. 

“Barry lets me into the lab for more than just a morale boost, you know.” 

Taako’s voice was suddenly soft in a way Kravitz had never heard from him, not sultry and yet still silky. Was Taako… _shy_ about this? If what he was implying was true…

“Are you — you’re seriously powerful enough to be researching this unironically?” Kravitz was aware that such a question was rather rude, but from the way Taako flushed, all the way to the tips of his ears, Kravitz didn’t need an answer. 

Kravitz felt heat rising to his own skin. Charm, wit, and looks were all well and good, caused Kravitz enough problems already, but that Taako was somehow all of the above and insanely powerful to boot? 

Fuck Kravitz sideways. 

“That’s very impressive.” Was all he could manage. Taako grinned, cheeky, and winked from under the brim of his hat. It sang with light clamor as the pearls and gems it was decorated with collided. 

“Hey, I’m more than just brains. I don’t do squats to thicken my cerebral cortex.” Taako rested his elbows on either side of his book, the puffy sleeves of his robe tight past the elbows to display his slender arms and wrists, hands still free from any ring to match Barry’s. Taako basked in the impressed, slightly dumbfounded gaze Kravitz had locked on him for a few seconds more before resettling in his seat, the unusual shyness back around him.

“Sooooo, what are we listening to? Cool tunes, but I don’t know ‘em.” Kravitz’s spine jumped straight. Of course his archaic music would be far from impressive, and it still surrounded them. Red from his ears to his neck, he drew out the brief motion to silence it.

“I’m sorry, I usually work to music, but if you find it distracting-” 

“-Nah man, it’s good. You were here first, and I was kinda vibing.” Taako leaned back in his chair, reclining easily, indulgent smile on his face. Kravitz looked anywhere else while he hummed the music back to life, quieter than before, and with butterflies in his stomach. Taako liked his music? Oh, Kravitz was in trouble now. His hands played along the pages of his book until Taako spoke again.

“I would have guessed you were a warlock, y’know, being the Raven Queen’s emissary. When did you decide that bard was the way to go?” Taako’s eyes flitted between Kravitz and his book. Kravitz found a comfortable spot in his seat, picking up his pen as he thought. Himself. He could talk about that. He cleared his throat, partly to indicate he would answer but mostly because he genuinely needed to after the fluttering went all the way up his windpipe.

“I am a warlock, in a kind of...technical sense. But before I was an emissary, I was studying to be a conductor. Things happened, and I ended up in the care of my Queen.” Taako’s smile was gone, but his eyes were alert, attentive, and it was intoxicating. “I love my work in her service, make no mistake, but music will always be a personal passion.” A little more personal than he would normally share, he had to admit, but none of it untrue. And Taako’s slowly growing smile and comforting nodding made him feel a little more at ease with what he’d shared. He caught sight of his pen, still in his hand, out of the corner of his eye, and rather startlingly remembered that he was in the library to work.

“Oh! I should…” he gestured to his papers and Taako made a similar jump, opening his book, waving him off and hiding his face under the brim of his hat.

“Yeah, yeah, you get back to whatever, I’ll just be over here doin’ my thing, don’t let me distract you.” 

Tearing his eyes from the few pale inches of Taako’s exposed throat told him that that was likely impossible, but he shuffled his papers into a lull of distraction and settled such that he could hide his face without it being rude.

An easy air took both of them as Kravitz rolled his forefinger against the pad of his thumb and the music grew louder. The silence between their voices was comfortable, though Kravitz found himself distracted at irritatingly regular intervals. Every time he’d glance up, Taako was truly engrossed in his work, and it gave his selfish eyes plenty to look at. Taako’s eyes, cast down at his book, were laden heavy with glitter and eyelashes, and looking at something other than Kravitz for practically the first time, Kravitz saw the miniscule scar that laced under the curve of his eyebrow to the underside of the browbone. He wanted, so desperately, to ask how it had happened, to hear Taako’s voice again, have those eyes on him again, but he saw the flicker in Taako’s concentration and looked away before he was caught. He wasn’t going to get his work done at all at this rate. Kravitz prided himself on being early on all of his reports, but as he got only a few lines further in his work, his eyes were on the little curls of hair that caught the light so delicately from under Taako’s hat. Maybe, this time, he would be alright with merely being on time. He saw his fill soon enough, though he was too slow to look away, and disguised the motion of his head in flipping his page. Taako cleared his throat, and it was a weirdly anxious noise from him. 

“Y’know, Barold told me you guys have a bangin’ Candlenights party here at the castle every year.” Taako gingerly closed his book to give Kravitz his full attention, though he caught the quick flash of Taako shoving a bookmark into place. Cute. Kravitz looked up from his own work innocently. 

“Oh yes, that is coming up, isn't it?” he mused, leaning back a little.

“Is it as grand as he makes it out to be? Not to put him on blast or anything, but... you’ve seen his idea of a hootin’ good time.” He said, twirling his quill in the air and rolling his eyes. Kravitz laughed, remembering the last time they had tried to make it a formal event. Barry had shown up in a stellar suit and a denim tie. 

“Well, there’s good food, and good alcohol. The music isn’t quite my taste, but that’s a bit subjective.” Taako had leaned closer as he spoke, resting his elbows on the table, chin in his hands, attention placed solely upon Kravitz once more. Thankfully, Kravitz could hide his bashfulness in pretending to reminisce harder than he really needed to. “They go all out on decorations, and there’s usually some sort of big fireworks show or grand performance at the end.” 

“That sounds lit as hell, my man.” 

“Well, I’m not the best judge. I usually don’t stay until the end, just long enough to have something to eat and drink and talk with a few people.” 

“You don’t enjoy it?” Taako’s question was quiet, almost innocent. Kravitz shrugged. 

“Sometimes we have a card table going, but other than that I’m a bit of a loner at parties.” Watching Kravitz with a weird amount of intensity, Taako pushed himself up from the table and rounded it, easing his hip onto the edge nearest Kravitz.

“Maybe you just need someone to go with you?” he leaned forward, his hat brim shading Kravitz’s face. “That way when you get bored of business-small-talk and coworkers you’ve got someone lookin’ pretty right there.” Kravitz leaned back further in his chair, face growing hotter. This couldn’t be real. He had to be dreaming. 

“You mean, like...a date?” Taako sat up and gave a soft congratulatory _thwap_ to his shoulder with the back of his hand. 

“Yes, Krav! Exactly! A date. So... whaddaya think, Bone Man?” Kravitz’ brow furrowed. This couldn’t be real. It was too awful to be real. 

“About bringing a date?” 

“Close, but not quite. What do you think about bringing _me_ ?” Taako cocked his head to one side, ears twitching enough to rustle his hat despite a neutral, serious face. Kravitz sat dumbly, trying to rationalize the sure _tragedy_ that was about to befall him and feeling like his face was glowing with the heat coming off it. Taako was flirtatious, Barry himself had said it, was this his idea of a joke? 

“I thought you said I should bring a, um, a date?” Taako laughed loudly, flushing a little bit himself. He scooted slightly sideways on the table, until his ankle brushed past Kravitz’ knee. 

“That’s the _best_ part, Reaper Man. I am a _hundred percent_ down with going on a date with you.” They looked at one another, waiting for the other to say something. Clearly, this wasn’t what Taako had expected to happen. Kravitz finally found his voice.

“But... what about Barry?” the slightly panicked smile on Taako’s face cracked and crumbled down his face, giving way to a hellish look of total confusion.

“Barry? What about him? What does he have to do with you?” Taako stood up from the desk and stared, somehow infuriatingly innocently, down at Kravitz. “Forget about whatever Barry is doing in your mixed-up process. I like you, I felt like I was pretty clear, but let’s just get that out there. Do you not like me?” Kravitz was speechless again, one, at the fact that Taako had just boldly stated his affections, and two, at the _sheer audacity._ Kravitz had accepted he couldn’t very well control his attraction to a married man, and that guilt almost ate him alive, but he _could_ control himself not to act on that attraction. Taako should at least afford Kravitz and his husband that same consideration. 

“What does he-? Taako, I don’t know how you think this is okay, but I won’t do that to Barry! It’s not professional or right.” He stood, too, gathering his papers, and Taako looked downright indignant. 

“What kind of puritanical moral code are you on?! I thought I was pretty clear on _my_ intentions, I don’t see why you couldn’t do the same! _Especially_ if I’m really so appalling to you... I thought you were into it, too, why are you on some high horse about ‘professionalism’ so suddenly?” Kravitz walked out of his soundless sanctuary, but Taako wasn’t far behind. “You don’t even have anything to say to me?” Kravitz stopped in his tracks, hurt and so, so tired of his emotions, especially when it came to Taako. Tired of suppressing attraction and roiling in guilt and in envy, all the hope and hopelessness twisted into some sick pit in his stomach. He turned to Taako with a withering look, the most he could muster. He just wanted to act on his feelings for once, and apparently, this time, the flavor on his tongue was anger.

“ _You_ have done nothing but play with me since we first met. I tried to be nice to you, I wanted to be friends, but apparently, we had the wrong idea about each other. If you think I’m the kind of person who could—who _would_ do something like that, I just cannot believe that I did something to come off in such a way! I hope you find whatever you’re looking to get, but you will never find it here." Too overwhelmed for precaution, he grabbed his scythe out of the air and whirled it around himself, slicing into the comfort of his home plane and walking through before another word could be said. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!!!! Visit my co-author LazyCakes and read their stuff. leave a comment if you desire!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz is draped across a chaise lounge when he gets a call. Not exactly a confrontation, but Barry would like to know what the fuck is going on.

The Astral plane was only home to lost souls. Kravitz knew that, so he knew he was no exception. He barely bothered to keep himself corporeal enough to taste the wine that slipped down his throat, too expensive to be drinking alone, the cushions of his chaise lounge propping him up enough to swallow. The furniture could only help his posture so much, still dripping some down his neck as he took the bottle from his lips. His mind drifted to his closet again, but bitterly pushed the thought aside. Corporeal clothes would just be stained by his fine liquid comfort, and he may be despairing, but he wasn’t slovenly. He wrapped himself in shadows like a dark cloak (read: comfort blanket) instead, not ending at any particular place but extending and fading into the darkness of his surroundings, and felt the comforting nudge of his queen in his conciousness as he thought about how fucking _sad_ he was.

Kravitz hadn’t lived all that long, but in his undeath he had seen millenia, and he had done most of it with only his goddess beside him. It was in relatively recent centuries that he’d started spending more and more time in the material plane, and it made it harder to ignore what he’d convinced himself he’d forgotten. 

He was a servant of the Raven Queen, yes. But he wasn’t some emotionless golem that was made only to do her work. Kravitz had a soul, and passions, and a deep, niggling need to not be as alone as he’s almost always been. Barry, and by extension, Taako, had been his first real connections to that very human need, but those bridges were smoldering. 

The dreamy, dramatic music he was listening to swelled unexpectedly, and if Kravitz were not so lost in the bottle he nursed near his chest, he would have been impressed. Somewhere not far enough away, on a desk or something like it, the crackle of a stone didn’t raise his gaze, but Barry’s staticky voice did.

“...Krav, Bud? I... I wanted to talk. We don’t have to, but I wanted to be sure that you—that we —were, I don’t know, okay?” Guilt and concern snapped him from his mopinghit him in a wave and he lunged for his stone, desperate to answer his only-- _Friend?_

Of course, he’d thought that when Barry found out about all this, he would never want to speak to Kravitz again _._ His marriage could be imploding because of him, but if he wanted Kravitz’ comfort, he would have it.

“Yes, yes, Barry. I’m here.” A relieved sigh slipped out of the stone.

“Oh thank goddess. I, uh, I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me.” Barry sounded so much cheerier already. Kravitz felt impossibly better and impossibly guiltier. Barry was so undeserving of this, of everything that had happened. He stood, casting his eyes away from his disheveled reflection, watching him from his dressing mirror.

“..I honestly thought it would be the other way around.” Kravitz said back, quietly. There was shuffling on the other end, and Barry spoke up again.

“Can we meet? I would actually like to talk about this more face-to-face. If-If that’s-” 

“-Of course, Barry.” Kravitz’ mouth moved before his mind, but it was too late to take it back as his brain caught up. Was he really going to make Barry look at him when he so clearly had something Barry didn’t, something Barry so clearly lacked in the eyes of his husband? Apparently, yes. 

“Oh! Oh, excellent. How about, uh, in my lab? I’ve got to stop by soon anyway, now that the computer is working again.”

Well, shit, that was definitely Kravitz’ fault. 

“Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll be there.” After receiving an affirmation, he set down the stone and looked again towards his closet. 

Time to put on some pants, he supposed. 

He arrived at the lab seconds before Barry, rift closing behind him as the door opened before him. Barry didn’t appear all that surprised to see Kravitz, smiling warmly, and after a tense moment, Kravitz smiled back, though it was pained, disingenuous. Cautiously coming closer, Barry leaned against a table. Kravitz motioned to the fully assembled and operating incubation pod, alight with glowing green liquid, no solid form within yet. 

“You finished all the setup?” He asked, partly out of real curiosity and partly from a need to sound casual.

“Yeah, the whole experiment will be ready as soon as I can get my computer online again.” Barry pocketed his hands as he answered, laughing dryly. Another moment of silence. He spoke again. “I...of course, you don’t owe me any kind of explanation, but...Taako and I talked about what happened... and he said you mentioned me as...as being in the way, or that you didn’t want to hurt me?” Swallowing roughly, Kravitz did his best to maintain eye contact while he nodded. Barry’s eyes clouded, but that had to be natural. He was hurting. “Kravitz...we’re friends, aren’t we? We...get along?” His heart broke a little at the hesitation. Kravitz took a step forward, hoping his sincerity was clear..

“Yes, Barry. You’re my friend. I’m so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you.” A strange look came over Barry after he spoke, and he shook his head. 

“I wouldn’t say _I’m_ the one who got particularly hurt, I just-- Krav, if you thought I had a problem with you and Taako, I don’t.” 

Everything seemed to freeze as Kravitz absorbed. Had he heard that correctly? Barry squirmed, more confused as the silence went on. 

“I —I really don't! I don’t know why you think I would, but I actually thought you guys were pretty good together. Taako’s picky, so if he likes you, that’s really all I need to know. Not that it’s my place to meddle or anything! If you turned him down for a different reason, that’s your business. I just thought you would want to give it a go...if I was your only holdup.”

Kravitz was in Hell. Or dreaming. Or way too drunk. Whatever it was, this wasn’t reality, this wasn’t actually happening. His friend wanted him to _date his husband?_ Wasn’t this far too casual an approach? If it even was something so innocent as a romantic liaison! Wasn’t there a kink about watching your partner and another person, or at the least knowing it happened? 

Oh goddess, was Barry trying to recruit him for some kind of _roleplay_? 

He had come in the hopes of salvaging a friendship, but he was instead witnessing the fiery, hideous end of their professional relationship. Kravitz couldn’t have been more uncomfortable as he tried to come up with an answer that wouldn’t leave them unable to ever look one another in the eye.

“I see...I understand if you’re okay with that, but, I’m just... too traditional..? To be comfortable being part of such a...relationship.” He choked out, eyeing the door so he wouldn’t have to see Barry’s face. Barry made another step towards Kravitz. 

“What kind of relationship is that? I’m really, I’m trying to understand, but-” Kravitz couldn’t exit, and couldn’t explain himself away. He was panicking, grasping at something, anything to say. 

“-I’m not a _cuck_ , Barry!” He cried.

Well, it got Barry to stop moving. 

“What?” 

“I’m not going to date your husband!” 

“He is _not_ my husband!” Barry’s shock snapped to horror at the idea of his marriage to Taako. 

“I--what do you mean he’s not?! I saw you kiss him in the library! You have a wedding photo on your desk, a ring on your hand!” Kravitz all but shouted, but Barry was a terrible liar, truly, and Kravitz had no doubt that he was telling the truth just from his indignance alone, as impossible as it was. 

Barry turned toward his desk, looking at his own picture and ring in a flurry of movement before dropping into his seat. He buried his face in his hands and huffed something that sounded like a laugh, but he couldn’t be laughing, right?

He stayed like that for far too long, not-laughing and not-crying, but then Barry stood up, determined, and looked Kravitz dead in the eye. 

“Kravitz, Taako’s a twin. He’s my brother-in-law. I’m not married to him, I’m married to his sister.” 

  
  


Kravitz stood in Barry’s kitchen. It was actually quite nice; well lit and full of shiny cooking appliances. Under different circumstances, he would have been right at home, if a little overwhelmed. Unfortunately, with two identical sets of eyes on his, his skin was crawling.

Two Taakos were sitting on the counter, identical faces, identical builds, even wearing matching hats with identical hair slipping out, curling at their temples and cheekbones. They had identical posture, too, arms crossed, peering down their noses at Kravitz, unimpressed. They were heartachingly beautiful, _and exactly the fucking same._

“Okay,” Kravitz began, “I think I get it now.” Barry’s face stayed serious as he nodded. 

“I know.” He turned with Kravitz, surveying the two. 

He squinted. No, they weren’t perfectly identical; the left one had an almost imperceptible scar along the inside of his brow. The serious moment passed as Barry walked over to his wife, the one on the right, and gave her a short kiss. He took up his place next to her so naturally, and her arms snaked around his soft middle under his jacket, burrowing into his coat and all but purring. This left Kravitz facing them alone, increasingly uncomfortable under their eyes. 

“I’m so sorry about the other day. There were...several misunderstandings, and I--” He began, rubbing at the back of his neck, knowing the cringe on his face was as clear as it was in his mind. He flinched into silence as Taako scoffed.

“I should hope so, skele-man! Not many people have talked to me like _that_ and been allowed to apologize after.” Kravitz grimaced and swallowed.

“Again, I am _incredibly_ sorry.” He took a pause to gather his thoughts into words. “The short of it is that, I didn’t know you had a twin, but I did know Barry was married to someone with...your face. And, you’ve gotta understand, elves don’t have twins all that often!”

The silence returned. Taako’s eyes widened, annoyance gone from both twins' faces. They both snorted unattractively, the one buried in Barry’s jacket wheezing and sliding off the counter to properly bend over and laugh with her whole body. Taako slumped against the backsplash and tugged his hat over his face, knees knocking together as he howled. Even Barry bit his lip as he tried not to laugh with them, while Kravitz boiled in the heat of his own blush. 

Wrapping his arm around her waist to help her straighten, Barry tugged her gently towards the door. 

“Let’s give him a chance to explain it privately, okay, Lup? I’ll fill you in on my side of the story while he’s at it.” Taako’s sister, Lup, slung an arm scandalously across Barry’s shoulders, looking Kravitz from dreads to winklepickers in a way that was too familiar for comfort. 

“Alright, Bone Man, but you treat my baby brother right.”

“I am _not_ the youngest!” Taako cried, suddenly indignant, tugging his hat off his head entirely. 

He was truly beautiful, flushed and with his hair flying every which way.

Already ducking through the doorway, his sister called back,

“Good thing we have no way of knowing!”

And Taako and Kravitz were left alone again.

Taako was still giggling, but calmer, sort of distracted as he finally met Kravitz’ eyes again. Kravitz absolutely melted at Taako’s obvious joy, pulling his shoulders back and leaning his weight onto his back leg. Taako wiped a stray tear from his flushed face, scooting himself to the edge of the counter. 

“So, let me -- I think I need a second to really get everything straight.”

“Well, it starts with Barry never mentioning his husband or lack thereof.” Kravitz tried. “I couldn’t imagine hurting him, I don’t have to tell you that!” He stepped closer to the counter, knowing that he had recovered as much as he was going to, and he needed to push himself while he had the momentum. “You’re fantastic, Taako, you really are, and I promise, if you just give me a chance to think of you as anything other than married to my co-worker--” In a mock-anger that was all too convincing, Taako crossed his arms again and turned his long nose up at Kravitz.

“You know, I’m not sure how much a guy who didn’t want me deserves a second chance.” Kravitz felt a very real panic, even if Taako was only teasing. After all, what if he wasn’t, and Kravitz laughed and screwed it all up again?

“I did, I do! I do want you -- I, I mean, want to spend time with you -- but I thought you were married! What was I supposed to do?” Taako snort-laughed once again, quickly becoming one of Kravitz’ favorite sounds, and shifted his legs apart to scoot closer to the edge of the counter, clearly delighted. He uncrossed his arms and pointed accusingly at him, mouth parted in a perfectly offended princess-gasp.

“You were lusting after me even when you thought I was a married man? For _shame_ .” He _tsk-_ ed, shaking his head, and Kravitz groaned out a laugh 

“You didn’t make it very easy, I promise.”

This seemed to take Taako by surprise, and deciding to keep him surprised, Kravitz stepped flush to the counter between Taako’s legs. He closed his hand gently over Taako’s where it rested on the counter, and spoke quietly, especially after hearing the creak of the floorboards just outside the closed kitchen door. “You are dangerously tempting.” feeling his boldness run out, Kravitz focused his eyes resolutely on Taako’s collarbone, indulging in counting freckles while he waited for his response. 

“You--you really were in over your head, huh?” Taako asked, just a hint of pity in his voice. The hand that wasn’t under Kravitz’ traced his jaw tenderly, pushing his chin up until Kravitz had to look Taako in the eyes, which were softer, now. Kravitz swallowed heavily and nodded, but as soon as he did, Taako’s veneer returned, and he dropped his hand to the counter.

“I don’t deserve it, but if you give me a do-over, I can promise absolutely no accusations of infidelity. Anywhere you want to go, anything you want to do, I’ll make it happen.” 

Taako smiled deep enough that the corners of his lips curled, and he laced his fingers into Kravitz’. 

“Aren’t you lucky. The Chug’n’Squeeze in town is open late. Candlenights special. We can go now if you promise to keep me warm.” Taako leaned close, and Kravitz stepped back to let him hop off the counter. 

It hit him all at once, and Kravitz laughed breathlessly, pulling Taako into a deep hug.

“That sounds fantastic.” He sighed, and Taako patted the back of his arms gently, tenderness hidden in the teasing.

“Alright, handsome, at least let me get my boots on!” 

In moments, they were at the door, and Taako was pulling his hair out of the collar of a gray peacoat (though, of course, it had glowing purple buttons and glitter all along the hem). He called something into the house in elvish, and an identical voice shouted back, definitely from just behind the still-closed kitchen door. Taako snorted lightly, rolling his eyes before looking to Kravitz. 

“Take a deep breath, Bones, it’s colder than you think!” He warned, before taking Kravitz by the elbow and pulling him through the front door. 

Snow crunched under their shoes and steam billowed from their breaths, and in flats, Taako was the perfect height for Kravitz to wrap an arm around his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy they didn't even end up kissing by the end, no Angus appearance, and Lup only has 2 speaking lines. now I have to write more to satisfy those needs. This is how people end up posting more than one fic isn't it? my lovely co-author LazyCakes is gonna have a rough time ahead, leave a comment for them or any of their other wonderful fics to keep them writing with me. But before any new fics, this one is going to include a blupjeans epilogue because I need it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted some sort of Blupjeans thing so we could get a peek into the other side of this but it got out of control horny fast and I have another epilogue I'm hoping I can bribe my co-author into editing so we can all end this on a calm, wholesome note.

Lup peered through the crack in the kitchen door, watching the front door close. Barry stood just behind her, eyes as soft as the day she met him. Grinning, she tossed the door open and pranced back in. She did her best to avoid his eyes again, but Barry leaned up against the counter, crossed his arms across his chest, and snickered quietly. It was inevitable that she would look at him, and then they were both howling with laughter. Barry took off his glasses to wipe at his eyes, setting them on the counter to his right, and Lup leaned into his shoulder, trying  _ hard  _ not to snort from laughter. Leaving her husband to gasp for air, Lup retrieved a glass from the cupboard and filled it, hiding her face in facing the sink.

“You know, I thought I’d never live it down when  _ I  _ mixed you two up, but this is going to haunt Krav for the rest of his undeath.” Lup gulped her water and the glass clinked on the table, coming up in front of him.

“I don’t know, babe, hard to beat getting shitfaced at your own wedding and making out with the wrong twin. Besides, he wasn’t aware there were twins to mix up.” Barry leaned in for a kiss, entwining their fingers behind Lup’s back.

“Well, plenty of time for him to make that mistake later.” Leaning back against Barry’s arms, she squeezed his hands and raised her brows. 

“Are you saying you  _ want  _ that to happen?”

“I’m just saying it’s inevitable. I would never _ wish _ you on Kravitz, you’d eat him alive!” Letting his arms go, she grabbed them on the correct sides of his body, pinning them to the counter. Caging Barry in, she touched his nose with hers, grinning wickedly.

“Mmhmm, you know it.” She traced his fingers oh-so-lightly down his arms, and the blush he had been calming rushed back to his face. “I’m not so sure about Kravitz, though, he seems pretty polite. Too polite to leave a red-hot handprint on my ass.” Barry squawked and huffed even as she laid the rest of her body against his, reclining him against the counter.

“I was only trying to get you back! You left my back pocket  _ literally  _ smoldering!” Lup snickered into his ear as her spindly fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck, slinking down to rub over his shoulders.

“It takes a lot of snap to get through the denim, babe.” She gave him a short kiss and snickered.

“I can concede that." His arms snaked around her waist, holding her comfortably. "You know... I doubt those two will be back anytime soon. How do you feel about taking advantage of a Taako-free house? He and I were both so upset about Krav’s blowup, we haven’t had much time alone lately..." Lup grinned, almost feral, and Barry’s heart leapt into his throat. 

"I--Absolutely, darling." Barry's heart raced as she stepped back, already too eager to follow, but stopped in his tracks when she called out, 

“Oh!”

And whipped out her stone of farspeech. 

Cautiously perching his glasses back on his face, Barry cocked his head, but Lup was explaining before seeing him. “I am calling  _ everyone  _ we know.” Barry continued to stare blankly, and Lup shook her stone again. “This is too good not to share, and besides, when he inevitably meets the rest of the family, they should know to give him the proper amount of shit." 

“Oh, honey, you ought to give him the chance to tell that story himself. I think his side is way funnier, after all.”

“You just want my attention!” Lup accused, though she shrieked with laughter when Barry tugged her close again, burying his face against her neck.

“Maybe. Maybe the thought of being married to one Taaco Twin reminded me of how incredible being married to the other one is.”

A hand slipped into his back pocket.

“Aw, babe, that’s so sweet. You lookin’ for a chance to show your appreciation?” The hand in his pocket became a vice like grip on his ass.

Barry almost felt a little sorry for Kravitz. Taako was great, but he definitely got the better twin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue #1 because I demand more Lup in everything. Thank you to all who comment and read and find this as funny as I did when I thought of it. Again, LazyCakes possesses the single braincell between us and is the only reason any of this gets put out there, so give them a comment or a look at their ao3.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know guys. leave a comment? Please? LazyCakes, my wonderful beta/coauthor/bestfriend put a LOT of work into making this an Enjoyable Reading Experience. They have some good TAZ Balance as well as other stuff on their ao3 as well and if you read it you'll definitely see the similarities.


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